The heartache of being lonely

Woke up this morning very broken-hearted. In the early hours of the morning I encountered my dad in a dream. Spenta, Jamsheed and I seemed to be passing by our Homi Villa in an old Fiat car. We were invited to dinner by Polly and were enroute to her place. As we passed the old family home, I requested the driver to stop and walked into the home. It seemed so crowded with old Parsi men and women, who I assumed had made it a habit to visit our home in order to keep Dad company. But the shy man that he always was, he was not seated with them. Actually I felt quite irritated seeing them all over my home behaving in such a patronizing way. I found my Dad in one of the inner rooms. He looked just as he always did in his late nineties, and was wearing his striped night-suit. When I saw him I asked "Daddy kaise ho?" He appeared so lost and sad and answered 'Mai khaata peeta hoon, par neend nahi aati." And there were tears in his eyes. It struck me that he was terribly lonesome and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of unbelievable guilt. How could we have left him alone! He seemed like a lost and confused child. I promised him that my kids and I would come back and stay the night with him and left.
When I returned home I set about cleaning up the place that seemed to look so neglected, replacing all the soiled linen etc. Then on the chest of drawers I saw a heap of Mummy's nighties. At once I wished to take them with me, but I didn't want to deprive him of her memories and asked him for permission to take them. He said "Ha, ha, le jaao.".......
Just then Spenta woke me up from my sleep. My heart felt so burdened that I immediately wept uncontrollably. It was the agony of loneliness I had glympsed in him that I had felt so accutely. I revealed my dream to Spenta and she just kissed me and reassured me that it was just a bad dream.

But to me this dream seemed to have a purpose. It has lingered all day in my consciousness. Perhaps it is holding up a mirror to my attitude to people these days?

Human relationships need space to grow. Especially in modern times there is a wall of privacy around every individual that must not be peeped through or scaled over. Of late, I too have been developing this attitude and have become unmindful of the needs of some people who do not understand this phenomena. I have begun to shun them. Was this dream a warning to show me the pain of loneliness that people can suffer and to tell me that what I have been indulging in is not right?

Catching up with the future

It has always been a race... Slipped into my mother's high-heeled shoes, draped her discarded sari on a dull rainy day, played 'mother-baby' like family games or 'teacher-teacher' with my buddies. Longed to catch up with age, to be able to wear lipstick and have boyfriends. Marriage was another dream to daydream about and then having real babies to fawn over. Wished to have a career and accomplished that too.
Now, facing with a frown the sixtieth year of my life that will soon arrive at the door, I still need to catch up. This time it's with the youth all around me. Oh, can't I just take up a mobile phone and explore its mysteries or confidently surf the mindboggling vistas of the Internet without having to beg my nimble-fingered children or nephews and nieces to show me how to wend my way through this maze of technology!
Having longed in my youth to put on some more kilos and some oomph in vital places on my thin frame, now in my middle years, I am longing to catch up with the definately-illusive 'zero-size' benchmark; have to remember to discard niceties like "I'm fine thank you' and brush up on 'I'm good, dude! or "I'm cooool man, coool!' When something goes beserk I need to stay my ground and not run for shelter but sport a glassy-eyed disdain and declare 'Just chill out...'
Am I trying to keep up with the Jonesses or just trying to fight to retain my space in the sun? Whatever, still trying to 'Catch up!'